Blogging

In a way...blogging is my escape route from reality. Its easier being here..with noone else to judge me, but then, its hard being here when noone is beside me. I felt free here. Free to write anything I want, anything I been surpressing in my heart, all the secrets I had kept from others' ear. Here, Im in my own little world. Im not obliged to answer to anyone, but all my questions are answered by noone.

It made me think. For a reason, I felt like I am the Beast in fairytale.Like him, I am also stuck in a big world, alone, understandable by none, and also ignored by everyone. I want to leave, but something is chaining me to the big mansion. Maybe, its the part of me that doesnt want to leave. Maybe the chain is made up of the fear inside of me, of what could have been if I leave the safety of the mansion.

What nobody hear my pleas for help? Why nobody wants to hold up their hand and give me a feel of security, so that I can leave this mansion of feeling I called blog?

Should I move forward or backward?

I stand in the middle of nowhere,

Looking at noone,

Being ignored by everyone.

And I started to think.

Am I alive?

Or just a body of a soulless creature?

My brain is telling me Im alive.

The thumping of my warm heart served as the proof.

But then, the coldness of my life

contradict with all the warmness that my heart is giving out.

I walked, and walked, and walked.

Just to reach the end of the line.

Look down to see the bottomless pit.

Butterflies flying around.

Inviting me to join them.

Should I? Would that be the right answer?

I asked that question over again.

But, why nobody want to answer me?

Fact that slapped me hard.

Fact that remind me,

Im alone.

Standing at the border of freedom and loneliness.

What choice should I made?

What choice would be the right one?

To move forward, or to move backward?

Can anyone help me?

Kad Raya

*M*

Sahabat..mengapa..kau selalu..

tinggalkan aku sendiri..

Sungguh ku merindukan masa bersamamu.

Ku disini kan menunggu,

hingga waktu ketemu...

*H*

For all the mistakes I had done, whether I realised it or not, Sorry.

For all the trash-talk that I had done behind your back or straight at your face, Sorry.

For all the time wasted without me appreciated you more, Sorry.

*P*

The time with you are so precious to me.

But, I know that there must be time my words hurt you bad. For that, I would like to say Sorry.

Gomenneii for not treating you well.

Gomenneii for hurting you sometimes.

Gomenneii that I didnt realised all of this earlier, or else I would had treated you better during the past.

*R*

Sebagai manusia biasa, kita dicipta dengan berbagai kelemahan dan keburukan.

Kerana itu, banyak yang kita lalukan tanpa sedar membuatkan orang lain terasa hati.

Kerana aku manusia biasa, aku ingin minta maaf.

Maaf kerana aku cakap belakang hang kadang-kala

Maaf kerana aku mood tak baik kadang-kala

Maaf kalau aku bukan kawan yang baik.

*AT*
Ada masa kita terlupa untuk ucapkan kata itu.

'Terima Kasih'- Untuk segala-galanya. Segala yang pernah hang berikan kepada aku yang berjay mengubah aku.

'Maaf'- Aku bukannya kawan yang terbaik. Namun, aku mencuba untuk memberikan yang terbaik.

'Aku sayang hang'- Sebagai kawan yang aku cuba pegang hingga akhir waktu.

*I*

Untuk segalanya. Terima Kasih.

Untuk waktu-waktu yang sering kita bazirkan. Maaf.

Untuk masa yang hang bazirkan untuk aku. Terima kasih.

Untuk waktu hang yang aku bazirkan. Maaf.

Untuk kata-kata semangat yang pernah hang luahkan. Terima Kasih.

Untuk kata-kata yang menyakitkan hati hang. Maaf.

Untuk segala-galanya. Terima Kasih dan Maaf.

WHAT THE MOMENT I

Heres the thing.

It started by something that my friend, also my next-door-neighbour, was involved in when she was in secondary school. She was scammed by a girl who acted to be some guy (real guy who really exist, her super cute cousin) and when my friend realised that she was scammed (not the most appropriate word, but I cant find other that wont humiliate her. So, she(my friend) doesnt want to have any other relationship with that girl. Suddenly, a friend request came from the cousin, lets just called him E why wont we? So, E, the guy that the girl pretended to be (confusing much?) sent a friend request to my friend. My friend, initial F, was suspicious of this E, since she afraid that the guy might be a 'she' again. Due to this, she started investigating E's fb, and also the fb of the girl he is having relationship with. While investigating, we (my friend who is in my room, my roommate and I) read the posts and they were all very2 lovey-dovey to the point that it is sickening.

So, my roommate and my friend was like criticising them and was like 'this is so unreal', 'they are so sickening' and such. Being the lone ranger on this, I just stated that its their fb account. They have the right to post such things. The point is simple, if you dont like it, dont read it. But, both of them still said that they shouldnt do this, they should think of others (seriously, in my point of view, they (F and my roommates, F2 are just being stupid, jealous girls) I clearly stated my point which is, 'If you dont like it, then dont read it.' Simple rules of freedom of speech and freedom of right not to read.

And suddenly F2 said, jokingly (that doesnt come across as a joke, AT ALL!) "Bihah (thats what I asked them to call me) never coupled with anyone so Bihah doesnt understand the feeling of being betrayed." What the fuck?!! (pardon for the extremely 'nice' word) She doesnt know me, so how dare she says that to me?!!! You dont need to coupled to be betrayed, you just need a guy! And I already understand that kind of feeling. What she said really make me feels like I want to scream.

Yo, babe! If the reason why we are having contradicting opinion is because I never coupled, then for what reason does the freedom of speech is enacted for?! Fuck! Its my own lifestyle, and even if YOU considered it as laughable thing, I dont! Seriously felt like Im being looked down upon.

"Apa? Couple tu baek sangat ke?! Tak couple tu dosa ke?" I seriously want to say that to her face. Just to let her know that what she just said, cant be taken as a joke at all. Seriously.... FUCK!!! I wanna go back Taiping, back to the people who understand me, and not be here with people who thinks something that I really lack of as something that are jokeable.

What should I do when I hate my roommate? *____*

Me and people.

Stop and think.

Am I a pessimistic,

or just someone who are too cold-hearted to care about other people?

Am I a person who is hateable,

or its because my attitude are showing the bad side of me?

I want people to like me,

but then, do I like people?

I want people to talk to me more,

but do I listen when they want to talk to me?

I want people to be friend with me,

but am I being a good friend with to them?

I want to feel like I belong,

but do I try to fit in?

Is it because of other people?

Or because of myself?

It is very easy to point finger to other people, since you only need to raise one finger and it cost less energy. But then again, the other three fingers (thumb are not included since it is the natural side -pointing to the ground-) are pointing back to you.

From me. To Me.

To: Me.

Praise to ALLAH for the chance he had given to you to still breath the air of his creation. Always remember, you will always went back to him, so your thought must be filled with him always. I know you already know all of that, but still, why are you still love to do what he had asked you not to do? And why you never do what he had asked you to do?

He asked you to take care of yourself, your behaviour, your everything. But you still behave childishly, still acting like the world is yours and forever will be yours. Why dont you stop to think about all the hope he had given to you? All the help that he give to you when you asked for it. You always remember HIM when everything is against you, but never remember HIM when the time is at your side.

He asked you to read His love letters. All the stories He had given to His creations, but still, you are too arrogant to remember this. You are too caught out in your world that you even have problem understanding His letters. You are too conceited to stop and remember back the real reason you are bring down to the world.

He asked you to search for the best in this world. But, you still looked at the worse. You are always pessimistic when there are a lot of good things in this world. Why wont you just open your eyes to look at everything that are made to give you the best life you had ever had. Again, why wont you just stop for a while and give thanks to him and stop taking everything for granted?

Finally, but most importantly, He asked you to always keep Him in your mind. But what did you do? You occupied your time with your comics, stories, internet and much, much more. Not to say that you cant, but think about it, when do you find time for Him? Just a few minutes that you totally give to Him, your head completely occupied with him, without even few centimetres for other things. You cant even do that right?

Why this happen?

Is it because His order are too heavy to be carry out? Says no, since He always make easy for you. He never burden to you anything that are too heavy and hard for you.

Is it your upbringing? Says no, or you are blaming your parents that had done everything in their power to give you the best.

Is it because of your self? Says yes, and then you will see for yourself the reason why Im writing to you this letter.

From: Me

_LIFE IN CFS_

Since this topic has been the hottest among my classmates, so I might as well share it here. But, Im not gonna talk about it general or what-ev, but seeing that THIS is MY blog, Im gonna talk about myself, with relation to me being in CFS.

Got to say that being here is really a blessing in disguise... Its like Allah had heard my prayer and decided to give me a second chance to change myself (and as Im writing this, I

had skipped homeworks, studying and solat terawih...nice Farah.. ==")

Back to the topic. Im sure that if Allah had not given me the chance to be here, I will still be far from HIM.

Proof: Im in ISLAMIC UNIVERSITY, and I STILL CANT CONTROL MYSELF. What if I was studying in some place where the rules are islamic enough? Wont my situation be worse?

Study are rough, and the fact that I need to gain gpa 3.0 and cgpa 3.4 are worse. But then again, Allah had given me just enough time to study, but I still just take my own sweet time and just give in to my lust.

Proof: the fact that Im writing this blog when I should be studying is convincing enough I think

Erm...being here really bring me back to my feet. It suddenly hit me that here, Im not the top scorer anymore. Things wont just go my way if I dont put an effort on it. I cant gained anything if I dont work my ass off.

Problem: I know it but Im hopeless when it come down to fighting my lust. Im weak...I know that.. >//<

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The only downside of being here is the fact that I kinda feels friendless and I really miss all my old friends, since I felt more wanted with them. Here, I feels like Im always alone, though I have people around me. I just cant fit in.

Life In CFS IIUM PJ

Okay...Its fasting month right now, and just my luck that I got my monthly leave a day before the first puasa... ==" Moving along. Classes has been good, but i been to better. Im kinda the average kid in class, not the worse, but definitely not the best.. Except for Arabic class... im the worse, even worse than the worse.. TT___TT again..moving on.. assignment was a nightmare, now waiting for the damn marks for both assignment and exams.. >< scared and not even an ounce of excitedness... And I kinda feels like I dont fit in well with other people... just my imagination maybe? due to my insecurity?