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Thursday, July 12, 2012

IHateMyself

My name is Farah. I'm nineteen-years old. Why am I alive? Maybe I should be dead? Maybe I want to be dead? 

*sigh* I'm at a point of hatred that I hate her so much, to the point that I hate myself for hating her. Make sense? Sure, it doesn't. If it did, I won't even start to consider paying someone to hear me out and tell me what to do. Maybe if I did that, I would be release from the responsibility? Easier right? I would have someone else to blame if things went wrong, which is exactly what will would happen. Things always went wrong. Something you don't know it, sometimes it's not big. But, things will always go wrong. It's the nature of things.

Really funny thing. I don't know myself what I want. Do I want to be save? To have someone hold my hands while I cried and tell me things will be okay? That there will be a silver lining afterward. That the rainbow is just within my reach. Do I want to scream out for help? 'Save me..' as I said in the last post.

Or I want to just cease to exist? Funny thing considering that 'Hell Girl' come to my mind. What I want? To wish she is really real? To wish that there's really a girl forced to make covenant with people in exchange for her love ones' safety? To wish that someone could take me straight to hell? Because really.. that would be my outcome in the end of the day.

I know that. So, why didn't I try to change?

FuckEverySingleFuckedUpThing

Once upon a time, a lazy girl was asked by my her mum to help her make a blog. To promote her online sell. The girl, being a lazy girl, of course wasn't too trill about it. How many hours would be wasted. Hours of playing neopets mindlessly. The hours that could be spent reading up some mangas that she had memorise by heart. The hours that could be spent watching a stupid cartoon about faeries while she makes a mental note on how stupid that story is. Hours that nonetheless were going to wasted because she had to help her mum.


The story continues with the mum starting going to the market to buy her stock. Now, that wasn't interesting at all, so we will skip that. A couple of hours skipped later, they head home. She, as stated before, IS a lazy girl. So, she thought, "Hey, I should start on this quick so that I would finish early." That very same day, she started her little...project, I guess. Due to the fact that the mother didn't know what to name the blog as, and told the daughter to just put anything, she put in something that she thought was, in a way, cool. She tried searching for some layout and ended frustrated when she can't find anything, well, the website keep on sending her error code and she just don't understand what to do, so this was skipped. She took a couple of pictures, but an obstacle stood in her way when no one wanted to model for her. For lack of better option, her family opted to buy a head-doll. You know, the kind of doll they use in stores, only this doll only is neck and above.

The next day, she followed her mom to find the doll, but they weren't successful. Celebration days are getting nearer and all shops are starting to restock, or something, that would required more dolls. The girl thought about why didn't they buy it earlier and also thought about why the shop didn't restock, considering the fact that the salesgirl said she didn't know herself when the new batch would come. The mother gave her number, saying that the shop should contacted when the stock come. Again the girl thought that this could takes at least a week. And in that case, it's better to just find another shop or just buy online. Which she told her mom.

The mother agreed, but make a decision to find another shop first. So, their journey continue and they ended up in front a closed small shop. It was, fortunate I guess, that the shop had a twin grocery shop, though both of them doesn't seem to make much profit. And that shop was open. The unfortunate thing would be that the shop didn't have the doll the girl and her mum were looking for. I should added that the girl had said predicted that before, since she could see not a hint of the doll anywhere inside the shop.

So, they went home with nothing to show. That night the mother accessed a website searching for the doll. The girl, remembering that her brother had once told her to advertise in another trading website, search for it there. She was lucky that the website, as its name applied, is really easy to use and it took her just a short amount of time to find what she was looking for. She quickly show her mother, and because a shop number was also provided, it was a smooth sailing from there.

Through the post, it took about 30 hours for the stuff to arrive, which by itself was quite amazing seeing that the mother did the call at almost 10 pm. Another problem rises there. They don't have anything to take a picture with. The daughter's phone's camera is acting up and the mum's is too small to take any decent pictures. Now, the father has a slider, an Asus. But at that time, he was away on a, lets just say he was away on a career-related stuff, so the pictures would have to wait for the next day when he come home.

The mother, whom I forgot to mention doesn't really like the name of the blog, finally makes her mind and had a new name for it. The girl was, reluctant. Well, she is a lazy girl. So, it took her more than two hours to finally get started on the new blog, with a new name and started from scratch. She hadn't done much with the previous blog so she didn't mind much about having to do a new one.

Skipped and skipped, and we arrived closer to the ending. When the father got home, after eating something the mum makes for teatime, the girl started getting into business. Like I had previously mentioned, she was, well, is a lazy girl so the sudden she could start her project is better. She started taking pictures, but had to stop because the lighting wasn't good. Maybe I should mention that when she was doing this, the mother and father were out. She carried the things somewhere else and even ended up getting a white cloth as the background for some of the stuff. It was near sunset when she moved to the new place, so she decided to continue after she had her shower. 

When she finished getting dressed, her parents got home. The mother told her to take some side and behind photos, which she already know, so it doesn't make any difference. She told her mother to take measurement, yes, singular considering that all the cloths have the same length.  Seeing that there's nothing she can do, the mother heads to her own room, leaving the girl with her laptop, playing her selected playlist from youtube. She took several pictures, some even had to be taken more than trice when she didn't really like the lighting, or the zoom in. She wasn't professional so it wasn't that great of a picture, but she thought that it would be okay. It had been previously mention that she is a lazy girl, and since it is much of a trouble and also it would be dangerous for her rough hand, she didn't put the cloth back into their plastic. Anyone wandering what her parents were doing? They were watching tv while she spent about an hour taking pictures.

Then, she thought that she would start constructing the blog after dinner, which was only microwaved-food. During that time, the mother came out and saw how the cloth were just laying there in the plastic and started nagging about how the girl shouldn't put it like that. The girl said that she didn't know how, and being her usual self, her voice was emotionless, or so she thought. The fucked-up thing happened right at this moment. Despite all she had done, the mother had the nerve to said that she was doing it without being sincere. That she was deliberating doing a poor job because she was forced to it. Like she doesn't put her heart into it. Not only she didn't get a single fucking thank you for everything she had done, she got scolded for not putting the cloth rightly. 

And now, here the girl is. Crying her heart out alone.  Can't even call her bestfriend because the friend got job to go to. Not being able to tell anyone because she such an stupid, lazy, cold-hearted person who hates her mother and got noone to talk to. And being afraid to cry because her sister or her parents might get home soon. Save me...?