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Monday, December 17, 2012

Psst...Hey you..

Nak tahu tak?

Aku rasa aku masih sayangkan persahabatan kita. :)
Tapi aku pasti bagi kau aku hanya satu gangguan. :(
Apa-apa pun. Aku hanya nak cakap. Aku rindu kau kadang-kadang. :D

Jadi, tolong. 
Jangan ignore aku kalau kita terserempak. 
_____________

Untuk kau yang lain.
Nak tahu?
Aku menangis sebab geram sangat dengan kau.
Nak tahu?
Mungkin kau betul. Mungkin aku geram sebab kau dah ada girlfriend.
Mungkin aku ignore kau sebab kau dah ada girlfriend.
Tapi nak tahu?
Kalau kita terus rapat, hati aku yang akan terluka.
Aku yang akan terus sukakan kau.
Tapi sebab aku tahu benda ni tak patut, tak adil bagi girlfriend kau, aku bawa diri aku.
Salahkah?
Perlukah kau mencari aku mencari jawapan?

________________________

Do you both wanna know?
Maybe I'm still hung up over you?
............
Nah. :)
We are still friends aren't we?

JUST WANNA GET THIS OUT

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE CRYING ALREADY
*INSERT SAD SONG*

I sent my laptop to someone for formatting last Saturday, and got it back on Sunday  (formatting + clean inner fan + anti virus + game download). The problem arose now when I realised that my folder is gone. 

Okay, back to the beginning. I know that formatting will bring the laptop to factory-format and I was suppose to back up the data myself.  But, since I read in their page that they said that they will back up my datas, so I didn't. So, there lies a folder in my desktop titled 'Important but Time-consuming.' Dalam tu ada gambar2 from my secondary school days, gambar2 families, gambar2 masa kat cfs( my club as well as just hanging out). Selain gambar, ada gak animes, mangas, my writings over the years. All gone. I don't really care about the other, just that it's kinda sadden me that the pictures I gathered from my school times are now gone. Gone without anyway of getting it back. Damn.. Rasa nak nangis habis sekarang nie. 
Lagi teruk bila fikir yang aku contribute untuk kesilapan diorang nie. 

That's all I guess. I don't even know why I'm writing this, but I just feel like doing it. Cara nak kurangkan rasa nak nangis mungkin? Walaupun aku rasa cam lagi teruk feeling sekarang nie. Emo habis..

Pengajaran: Sebelum format - back up sendiri datas and don't care whether diorang ada service tu or not. 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

THERE IS A STORY BEHIND EVERY SONG

okay... I'm addicted to Yuna. :D

DECORATE
YUNA

So you decided to see me out of the blue
Should I let you come over
I think you’re doing fine
That girl in your arms does she know where you come from

Almost made me move out of town
You don’t want me to be around
But I stayed anyway
Just in case

Finding reasons to hate you more than before
Like how you said you would call
but never at all
Got rid of your number that I know by heart

You left your things at my place
As if I have all the space
But you know I don’t mind

Just come back when you think it’s time

I’m all black and white inside
Monotonous from left to right
I decorate my house with things you love
Just in case you show up
In case you show up

(Going to try to make a story based on this song.. It is going to be a sad story, probably..)

Motivational Song For The Day/Week/Month

SUPER SOMETHING 
YUNA

You see
I was nothing more
Than a girl who wished
For something different
Watchin her dreams
From a distance

You see
When you came in
It's a different game
You believe in me so much
You turn me from nothing to a girl
Who's super-something
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/y/yuna/super_something.html ]
(Chorus)
You'll see
I'm better
I'm faster
Stronger
I'm happier
When you by my side
(Ku lalui semua dengan senyuman di wajahku)
You'll see
I'm better
I'm faster
Stronger
I'm happier
When you by my side
(Ku tempuhi semua kerana engkau di sisi ku)

The truth is
I was never more than this
Something kept me from reaching out
For something
But my heart is wanting
What it's looking for
Then you came
You turn me upside down
I'm no longer afraid
Of chasing
Possibilities
I'll be the last one standing

You wanna know something?

I hate changes. Why does it even exist? Why can't we just be in our own comfort zone? Why do we need to take a chance? How do we know whether the end result would be something that we like or not? How to be sure that we won't regret it? How to be sure that the chances are the very good thing for us?

Blaarghhh... Again, pessimistic me thinking about the fact that I will change roommates after next sem. Like around Sept I guess. Peoples might be jumping up and down, unable to wait until they can change their room. While I excited by the fact that my room would be in much lower floor (I'm on the 5th floor right now), I'm not that intrigued with having to change roommates. Why? I rather like my current roommates, heck, I love them. But, I know that they have their own friends so they must be waiting for the chance to share a room with someone they know more.. 

Urghh.. Now, I'm all depressed and I haven't even finished final for this year. Which remind me, I got memorisation and an exam on Wednesday, and I'm spending the whole Tuesday playing in amusement park with my current roommates.. Yeah for idiocy and lazinesss! :D

This is bothering me even when I know it shouldn't.

Okay.. Lama habis tak post apa, not that anyone is waiting. Depressed habis ayat tu sedangkan aku memang  sebenarnya hanya tulis nie semua untuk lepaskan perasaan. For the future me to read it. Best jugak bila dah lama and baca balik all that happiness, naivety, and even gloominess that surrounded the past me.

Rasa cam nak je balik ke masa lampau and bagitau the past me that life just get worse as it moved on, so just fuck whatever current shits you are in, and hold your head high with your own decision. But, I can't. So, I guess I will just keep that thought with the present me. 

So, why am I here again? That is always the thing isn't it? The only reason a post would be here if I was too bothered with something and I don't know how to explain it to anyone else. Guess I found clarity, or even some self-assurance by putting my thoughts on paper. Technically of course. 

The thing is, just a few days ago, my friend said that she wants to introduce me to a guy she know, because according to her, we would get along well. It was amusing at first, with my roommates and other friend getting excited over it. And then, I started to feel scared. That was the moment I realise how low my self-esteem is. I don't know whether this is just pure pessimistic or anything, but suddenly I get the feeling that no guy will like me because I'm a size extra large. Stupid, I know. But, it is really hard to get over that feeling. It's not that easy as telling yourself that you are amazing and great that your size doesn't matter. (Even more when your attitude is much, much worse than your size like me) 

I'm being a hypocrite and I know it. I always tell my friend that she beautiful even with a large body. That she rocks that body and she look good. And now, I'm questioning my very own value just because I'm plus size. Almost what the shit feeling really. 

Quote: "Just fuck whatever shits you are in.." 
Yeah.. Easier said than done.. and again, I'm a lousy ass hypocrite.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

IHateMyself

My name is Farah. I'm nineteen-years old. Why am I alive? Maybe I should be dead? Maybe I want to be dead? 

*sigh* I'm at a point of hatred that I hate her so much, to the point that I hate myself for hating her. Make sense? Sure, it doesn't. If it did, I won't even start to consider paying someone to hear me out and tell me what to do. Maybe if I did that, I would be release from the responsibility? Easier right? I would have someone else to blame if things went wrong, which is exactly what will would happen. Things always went wrong. Something you don't know it, sometimes it's not big. But, things will always go wrong. It's the nature of things.

Really funny thing. I don't know myself what I want. Do I want to be save? To have someone hold my hands while I cried and tell me things will be okay? That there will be a silver lining afterward. That the rainbow is just within my reach. Do I want to scream out for help? 'Save me..' as I said in the last post.

Or I want to just cease to exist? Funny thing considering that 'Hell Girl' come to my mind. What I want? To wish she is really real? To wish that there's really a girl forced to make covenant with people in exchange for her love ones' safety? To wish that someone could take me straight to hell? Because really.. that would be my outcome in the end of the day.

I know that. So, why didn't I try to change?

FuckEverySingleFuckedUpThing

Once upon a time, a lazy girl was asked by my her mum to help her make a blog. To promote her online sell. The girl, being a lazy girl, of course wasn't too trill about it. How many hours would be wasted. Hours of playing neopets mindlessly. The hours that could be spent reading up some mangas that she had memorise by heart. The hours that could be spent watching a stupid cartoon about faeries while she makes a mental note on how stupid that story is. Hours that nonetheless were going to wasted because she had to help her mum.


The story continues with the mum starting going to the market to buy her stock. Now, that wasn't interesting at all, so we will skip that. A couple of hours skipped later, they head home. She, as stated before, IS a lazy girl. So, she thought, "Hey, I should start on this quick so that I would finish early." That very same day, she started her little...project, I guess. Due to the fact that the mother didn't know what to name the blog as, and told the daughter to just put anything, she put in something that she thought was, in a way, cool. She tried searching for some layout and ended frustrated when she can't find anything, well, the website keep on sending her error code and she just don't understand what to do, so this was skipped. She took a couple of pictures, but an obstacle stood in her way when no one wanted to model for her. For lack of better option, her family opted to buy a head-doll. You know, the kind of doll they use in stores, only this doll only is neck and above.

The next day, she followed her mom to find the doll, but they weren't successful. Celebration days are getting nearer and all shops are starting to restock, or something, that would required more dolls. The girl thought about why didn't they buy it earlier and also thought about why the shop didn't restock, considering the fact that the salesgirl said she didn't know herself when the new batch would come. The mother gave her number, saying that the shop should contacted when the stock come. Again the girl thought that this could takes at least a week. And in that case, it's better to just find another shop or just buy online. Which she told her mom.

The mother agreed, but make a decision to find another shop first. So, their journey continue and they ended up in front a closed small shop. It was, fortunate I guess, that the shop had a twin grocery shop, though both of them doesn't seem to make much profit. And that shop was open. The unfortunate thing would be that the shop didn't have the doll the girl and her mum were looking for. I should added that the girl had said predicted that before, since she could see not a hint of the doll anywhere inside the shop.

So, they went home with nothing to show. That night the mother accessed a website searching for the doll. The girl, remembering that her brother had once told her to advertise in another trading website, search for it there. She was lucky that the website, as its name applied, is really easy to use and it took her just a short amount of time to find what she was looking for. She quickly show her mother, and because a shop number was also provided, it was a smooth sailing from there.

Through the post, it took about 30 hours for the stuff to arrive, which by itself was quite amazing seeing that the mother did the call at almost 10 pm. Another problem rises there. They don't have anything to take a picture with. The daughter's phone's camera is acting up and the mum's is too small to take any decent pictures. Now, the father has a slider, an Asus. But at that time, he was away on a, lets just say he was away on a career-related stuff, so the pictures would have to wait for the next day when he come home.

The mother, whom I forgot to mention doesn't really like the name of the blog, finally makes her mind and had a new name for it. The girl was, reluctant. Well, she is a lazy girl. So, it took her more than two hours to finally get started on the new blog, with a new name and started from scratch. She hadn't done much with the previous blog so she didn't mind much about having to do a new one.

Skipped and skipped, and we arrived closer to the ending. When the father got home, after eating something the mum makes for teatime, the girl started getting into business. Like I had previously mentioned, she was, well, is a lazy girl so the sudden she could start her project is better. She started taking pictures, but had to stop because the lighting wasn't good. Maybe I should mention that when she was doing this, the mother and father were out. She carried the things somewhere else and even ended up getting a white cloth as the background for some of the stuff. It was near sunset when she moved to the new place, so she decided to continue after she had her shower. 

When she finished getting dressed, her parents got home. The mother told her to take some side and behind photos, which she already know, so it doesn't make any difference. She told her mother to take measurement, yes, singular considering that all the cloths have the same length.  Seeing that there's nothing she can do, the mother heads to her own room, leaving the girl with her laptop, playing her selected playlist from youtube. She took several pictures, some even had to be taken more than trice when she didn't really like the lighting, or the zoom in. She wasn't professional so it wasn't that great of a picture, but she thought that it would be okay. It had been previously mention that she is a lazy girl, and since it is much of a trouble and also it would be dangerous for her rough hand, she didn't put the cloth back into their plastic. Anyone wandering what her parents were doing? They were watching tv while she spent about an hour taking pictures.

Then, she thought that she would start constructing the blog after dinner, which was only microwaved-food. During that time, the mother came out and saw how the cloth were just laying there in the plastic and started nagging about how the girl shouldn't put it like that. The girl said that she didn't know how, and being her usual self, her voice was emotionless, or so she thought. The fucked-up thing happened right at this moment. Despite all she had done, the mother had the nerve to said that she was doing it without being sincere. That she was deliberating doing a poor job because she was forced to it. Like she doesn't put her heart into it. Not only she didn't get a single fucking thank you for everything she had done, she got scolded for not putting the cloth rightly. 

And now, here the girl is. Crying her heart out alone.  Can't even call her bestfriend because the friend got job to go to. Not being able to tell anyone because she such an stupid, lazy, cold-hearted person who hates her mother and got noone to talk to. And being afraid to cry because her sister or her parents might get home soon. Save me...?