Okay.. Lama habis tak post apa, not that anyone is waiting. Depressed habis ayat tu sedangkan aku memang sebenarnya hanya tulis nie semua untuk lepaskan perasaan. For the future me to read it. Best jugak bila dah lama and baca balik all that happiness, naivety, and even gloominess that surrounded the past me.
Rasa cam nak je balik ke masa lampau and bagitau the past me that life just get worse as it moved on, so just fuck whatever current shits you are in, and hold your head high with your own decision. But, I can't. So, I guess I will just keep that thought with the present me.
So, why am I here again? That is always the thing isn't it? The only reason a post would be here if I was too bothered with something and I don't know how to explain it to anyone else. Guess I found clarity, or even some self-assurance by putting my thoughts on paper. Technically of course.
The thing is, just a few days ago, my friend said that she wants to introduce me to a guy she know, because according to her, we would get along well. It was amusing at first, with my roommates and other friend getting excited over it. And then, I started to feel scared. That was the moment I realise how low my self-esteem is. I don't know whether this is just pure pessimistic or anything, but suddenly I get the feeling that no guy will like me because I'm a size extra large. Stupid, I know. But, it is really hard to get over that feeling. It's not that easy as telling yourself that you are amazing and great that your size doesn't matter. (Even more when your attitude is much, much worse than your size like me)
I'm being a hypocrite and I know it. I always tell my friend that she beautiful even with a large body. That she rocks that body and she look good. And now, I'm questioning my very own value just because I'm plus size. Almost what the shit feeling really.
Quote: "Just fuck whatever shits you are in.."
Yeah.. Easier said than done.. and again, I'm a lousy ass hypocrite.
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