IHateMyself

My name is Farah. I'm nineteen-years old. Why am I alive? Maybe I should be dead? Maybe I want to be dead? 

*sigh* I'm at a point of hatred that I hate her so much, to the point that I hate myself for hating her. Make sense? Sure, it doesn't. If it did, I won't even start to consider paying someone to hear me out and tell me what to do. Maybe if I did that, I would be release from the responsibility? Easier right? I would have someone else to blame if things went wrong, which is exactly what will would happen. Things always went wrong. Something you don't know it, sometimes it's not big. But, things will always go wrong. It's the nature of things.

Really funny thing. I don't know myself what I want. Do I want to be save? To have someone hold my hands while I cried and tell me things will be okay? That there will be a silver lining afterward. That the rainbow is just within my reach. Do I want to scream out for help? 'Save me..' as I said in the last post.

Or I want to just cease to exist? Funny thing considering that 'Hell Girl' come to my mind. What I want? To wish she is really real? To wish that there's really a girl forced to make covenant with people in exchange for her love ones' safety? To wish that someone could take me straight to hell? Because really.. that would be my outcome in the end of the day.

I know that. So, why didn't I try to change?