IHateMyself

My name is Farah. I'm nineteen-years old. Why am I alive? Maybe I should be dead? Maybe I want to be dead? 

*sigh* I'm at a point of hatred that I hate her so much, to the point that I hate myself for hating her. Make sense? Sure, it doesn't. If it did, I won't even start to consider paying someone to hear me out and tell me what to do. Maybe if I did that, I would be release from the responsibility? Easier right? I would have someone else to blame if things went wrong, which is exactly what will would happen. Things always went wrong. Something you don't know it, sometimes it's not big. But, things will always go wrong. It's the nature of things.

Really funny thing. I don't know myself what I want. Do I want to be save? To have someone hold my hands while I cried and tell me things will be okay? That there will be a silver lining afterward. That the rainbow is just within my reach. Do I want to scream out for help? 'Save me..' as I said in the last post.

Or I want to just cease to exist? Funny thing considering that 'Hell Girl' come to my mind. What I want? To wish she is really real? To wish that there's really a girl forced to make covenant with people in exchange for her love ones' safety? To wish that someone could take me straight to hell? Because really.. that would be my outcome in the end of the day.

I know that. So, why didn't I try to change?

FuckEverySingleFuckedUpThing

Once upon a time, a lazy girl was asked by my her mum to help her make a blog. To promote her online sell. The girl, being a lazy girl, of course wasn't too trill about it. How many hours would be wasted. Hours of playing neopets mindlessly. The hours that could be spent reading up some mangas that she had memorise by heart. The hours that could be spent watching a stupid cartoon about faeries while she makes a mental note on how stupid that story is. Hours that nonetheless were going to wasted because she had to help her mum.

The story continues with the mum starting going to the market to buy her stock. Now, that wasn't interesting at all, so we will skip that. A couple of hours skipped later, they head home. She, as stated before, IS a lazy girl. So, she thought, "Hey, I should start on this quick so that I would finish early." That very same day, she started her little...project, I guess. Due to the fact that the mother didn't know what to name the blog as, and told the daughter to just put anything, she put in something that she thought was, in a way, cool. She tried searching for some layout and ended frustrated when she can't find anything, well, the website keep on sending her error code and she just don't understand what to do, so this was skipped. She took a couple of pictures, but an obstacle stood in her way when no one wanted to model for her. For lack of better option, her family opted to buy a head-doll. You know, the kind of doll they use in stores, only this doll only is neck and above.

The next day, she followed her mom to find the doll, but they weren't successful. Celebration days are getting nearer and all shops are starting to restock, or something, that would required more dolls. The girl thought about why didn't they buy it earlier and also thought about why the shop didn't restock, considering the fact that the salesgirl said she didn't know herself when the new batch would come. The mother gave her number, saying that the shop should contacted when the stock come. Again the girl thought that this could takes at least a week. And in that case, it's better to just find another shop or just buy online. Which she told her mom.

The mother agreed, but make a decision to find another shop first. So, their journey continue and they ended up in front a closed small shop. It was, fortunate I guess, that the shop had a twin grocery shop, though both of them doesn't seem to make much profit. And that shop was open. The unfortunate thing would be that the shop didn't have the doll the girl and her mum were looking for. I should added that the girl had said predicted that before, since she could see not a hint of the doll anywhere inside the shop.

So, they went home with nothing to show. That night the mother accessed a website searching for the doll. The girl, remembering that her brother had once told her to advertise in another trading website, search for it there. She was lucky that the website, as its name applied, is really easy to use and it took her just a short amount of time to find what she was looking for. She quickly show her mother, and because a shop number was also provided, it was a smooth sailing from there.

Through the post, it took about 30 hours for the stuff to arrive, which by itself was quite amazing seeing that the mother did the call at almost 10 pm. Another problem rises there. They don't have anything to take a picture with. The daughter's phone's camera is acting up and the mum's is too small to take any decent pictures. Now, the father has a slider, an Asus. But at that time, he was away on a, lets just say he was away on a career-related stuff, so the pictures would have to wait for the next day when he come home.

The mother, whom I forgot to mention doesn't really like the name of the blog, finally makes her mind and had a new name for it. The girl was, reluctant. Well, she is a lazy girl. So, it took her more than two hours to finally get started on the new blog, with a new name and started from scratch. She hadn't done much with the previous blog so she didn't mind much about having to do a new one.

Skipped and skipped, and we arrived closer to the ending. When the father got home, after eating something the mum makes for teatime, the girl started getting into business. Like I had previously mentioned, she was, well, is a lazy girl so the sudden she could start her project is better. She started taking pictures, but had to stop because the lighting wasn't good. Maybe I should mention that when she was doing this, the mother and father were out. She carried the things somewhere else and even ended up getting a white cloth as the background for some of the stuff. It was near sunset when she moved to the new place, so she decided to continue after she had her shower. 

When she finished getting dressed, her parents got home. The mother told her to take some side and behind photos, which she already know, so it doesn't make any difference. She told her mother to take measurement, yes, singular considering that all the cloths have the same length.  Seeing that there's nothing she can do, the mother heads to her own room, leaving the girl with her laptop, playing her selected playlist from youtube. She took several pictures, some even had to be taken more than trice when she didn't really like the lighting, or the zoom in. She wasn't professional so it wasn't that great of a picture, but she thought that it would be okay. It had been previously mention that she is a lazy girl, and since it is much of a trouble and also it would be dangerous for her rough hand, she didn't put the cloth back into their plastic. Anyone wandering what her parents were doing? They were watching tv while she spent about an hour taking pictures.

Then, she thought that she would start constructing the blog after dinner, which was only microwaved-food. During that time, the mother came out and saw how the cloth were just laying there in the plastic and started nagging about how the girl shouldn't put it like that. The girl said that she didn't know how, and being her usual self, her voice was emotionless, or so she thought. The fucked-up thing happened right at this moment. Despite all she had done, the mother had the nerve to said that she was doing it without being sincere. That she was deliberating doing a poor job because she was forced to it. Like she doesn't put her heart into it. Not only she didn't get a single fucking thank you for everything she had done, she got scolded for not putting the cloth rightly. 

And now, here the girl is. Crying her heart out alone.  Can't even call her bestfriend because the friend got job to go to. Not being able to tell anyone because she such an stupid, lazy, cold-hearted person who hates her mother and got noone to talk to. And being afraid to cry because her sister or her parents might get home soon. Save me...?

KONAYUKI

Konayuki mau kisetsu wa itsumo sure chigai

Hitogomi ni magirete mo onaji sora miteru no ni

Kaze ni fukarete nita you ni kogoeru no ni

Boku wa kimi no subete nado shitte wa inai darou

Soredemo ichi oku nin kara kimi wo mitsuketa yo

Konkyo wa naikedo honki de omotterunda

Sasaina ii aimo nakute

Onaji jikan wo ikite nado ike nai

Sunao ni nare nai nara

Yorokobi mo kanashimi mo munashii dake

Konayuki nee kokoro made shiroku somerareta nara

Futari no kodoku wo wake au koto ga dekita no kai

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/remioromen/konayuki.html ]

Boku wa kimi no kokoro ni mimi wo oshi atete

Sono koe no suru hou he sutto fukaku made

Orite yukitai soko de mou ichi do aou

Wakari aitai nante

Uwabe wo nadete itano wa boku no hou

Kimi no kajikanda te mo nigirishimeru

Koto dakede tsunagatteta no ni

Konayuki nee eien wo mae ni amari ni moroku

Zara tsuku ASUFARUTO no ue shimi ni natte yuku yo

Konayuki nee toki ni tayori naku kokoro wa yureru

Soredemo boku wa kimi no koto mamori tsuduketai

Konayuki nee kokoro made shiroku somerareta nara

Futari no kodoku wo tsutsunde sora ni kaesu kara

The season in which the powdered snow dances always passes by
Even if I’m lost in a crowd I can see the same sky
Even though I'm chilled as if I'm being blown by the wind

I don't know anything(1) about you, do I?
And yet, I found you amongst a billion(2) people
There's no (scientific) basis for this, but I believe this with all seriousness

We can't live at the same time without trivial fights
If I can't be honest, then rapture and sorrow are meaningless

Powdered snow, if you paled me white to the heart
Can you share our loneliness?

I pressed my ear against your heart
Going gently, deeply towards where the sound (is coming from)
(That's where) I want to disembark,
There, we'll meet once again

I want us to reach rapport but I was the (only) one who touched its surface
The only thing that was holding us together was my hand squeezing yours that was numb with cold
Powdered snow, in front (of us), eternity, too fragilely, becomes a stain upon rough asphalt

Powdered snow, this heart that has transcended time is faltering
And yet, I want to continue to protect you

Powdered snow, if you paled me white to the heart
You would wrap around our loneliness and send it back into the sky

FROM A FRIEND.

When u wish u could change this moment to another time and place
To a time where the sun is sleeping quietly
The road that u have chosen
To find the truth till the end of time
Before u lose your faith
Because if we only try, then we can keep the truth inside of us
When u wish for this night to last a lifetime
For when the darkness surrounds u
So soft to its touch
If u could only go down with the sun
Down with the night
For sorrow has a human heart

That what we do not understand
That what we care for little
That what we cry about
Someone will always hear u
When u cry at night

Over the horizon, in a place where we do not belong
Where constant fear is a daily routine

That’s where the stars never shine
Bring home just one little star
and light the sky bit by bit with your smile
Love will never lie
Stop crying your heart out
For u will never know what u are worth
If u never try

When all the stars start to fade away
and the world darkens
then u know… that someone close to u is crying
For u are not the only one crying
u are not alone tonight

Because u will see that one day
One day u will not need to cry like this
One day where u will no longer need to shed tears for your loved ones

U are the star, the light that will bring hope
The one star, that will never fade away

BACA DAN FAHAMI.

Suatu hari,seorang bayi menerima perintah daripada Penciptanya: "Sebentar lagi,engkau akan bersiap sedia untuk diturunkan ke dunia."

Sesungguhnya bayi itu berasa amat takut,gusar kerana memikirkan akan dilahirkan ke dunia yang tidak pernah dilihatnya.

Lalu bayi ini bertanya kepada tuhannya: "Selama ini ada malaikat yang menjagaku.Dan para malaikat ini memberitahu,aku akan dikirimkan ke dunia.Tetapi bagaimana aku akan hidup di dunia itu dengan tubuhku yang kecil dan lemah ini?"

Lalu tuhannya menjawab: "Jangan takut,sesungguhnya Aku telah memilih seorang untuk menjaga dan mengasihimu di dunia itu nanti!"

Akibat masih takut,bayi itu bertanya lagi: "Dunia itu sudah tentu berbeza.Jika di dalam syurga ini aku hanya perlu bermain,bernyanyi dan ketawa membuatku terasa bahagia.Bagaimana di dunia itu nanti?"

Lalu tuhannya menjawab." Jangan takut.Malaikat yang Ku pilih akan menyanyikan lagu untukmu,menghadiahkanmu dengan senyuman dan kasihnya membuat engkau berasa hangat dan dicintai!"

Bayi itu masih belum berpuas hati lalu bertanya lagi: "Aku tidak akan memahami bahasa mereka dan mereka juga tidak akan memahami apa yang akan aku bicarakan.Bagaimana aku boleh hidup dengan mereka?"

Lalu tuhannya menjawab: "Malaikat yang Aku pilih itu akan berbicara padamu dengan bahasa yang paling lembut dan dipenuhi kesabaran dan perhatian.Dengan ketulusan dia akan mengajarmu untuk berbicara."

Bayi itu bertanya lagi: "Dan bagaimana caranya perlu aku lakukan jika ingin berbicara dengan-Mu kelak?"

Lalu tuhannya menjawab: "Malaikatmu itu akan mengajar bagaimana caranya nanti!"

Bayi itu masih terus bertanya: "Aku dengar di dunia itu ramai orang jahat.Jadi siapa yang akan melindungiku nanti?"

Lalu tuhannya menjawab: "Malaikatmu itu akan melindungimu dengan segenap jiwa raganya sekalipun perlu mengorbankan dirinya!"

Dengan sedih,bayi itu berkata lagi: "Aku akan berasa sedih kerana tidak dapat bersama-Mu lagi!"

Lalu tuhannya menjawab: "Usah gusar.Malaikatmu itu akan menceritakan tentang-Ku kepadamu.Malaikat itu akan mengajar engkau bagaimana engkau akan kembali kepada-Ku bila sampai waktunya nanti.Sesungguhnya Aku sentiasa berada di sisimu!"

Dan sebelum diturunkan ke dunia,bayi itu bertanya soalan terakhir: "Jika sudah aku terpaksa pergi ke dunia itu,bolehkah aku tahu siapakah nama malaikat yang Engkau maksudkan itu?"

Lalu tuhannya mejawab: "Ibu! Ibu yang melahirkan engkau!"

Going Back

After a week of Raya holiday... im finally going back to CFS.. Homeworks just waiting for me.. I havent even read the Quranic verses im suppose to remember.. 10 marks...goodbye..

Okay... Enough playing around. Going back means that I need to change. I got two weeks before final and Im quite clueless.. Need to work harder... Need to do everything just so that i would feel like i deserve the three months holidays that came after that.

Blogging

In a way...blogging is my escape route from reality. Its easier being here..with noone else to judge me, but then, its hard being here when noone is beside me. I felt free here. Free to write anything I want, anything I been surpressing in my heart, all the secrets I had kept from others' ear. Here, Im in my own little world. Im not obliged to answer to anyone, but all my questions are answered by noone.

It made me think. For a reason, I felt like I am the Beast in fairytale.Like him, I am also stuck in a big world, alone, understandable by none, and also ignored by everyone. I want to leave, but something is chaining me to the big mansion. Maybe, its the part of me that doesnt want to leave. Maybe the chain is made up of the fear inside of me, of what could have been if I leave the safety of the mansion.

What nobody hear my pleas for help? Why nobody wants to hold up their hand and give me a feel of security, so that I can leave this mansion of feeling I called blog?