Love Letter: Part 2

I stop to think as I stare out into spaces again.

Should I write you a love letter?

A girly, flowery, pretty love letter?

Something that I could pour my heart into?

Giving you a secret door to myself.

That had never been open before by anyone else.

Should I do that?

For you to understand my feeling?

The feeling that I have been hiding.

The doki, doki sound my heart are making when you are around.

x:x

Ah! Suddenly feel like I am such an idiot.

This is the effect when I started thinking of you.

My thought started becoming shorter and all I can think is how sweet you are.

Whenever you are with me.

And also how I can't stand it when you are with another girls.

Though you always say that they are all just your friends.

Friends that I know hold feelings for you.

Did you know that too?

x:x

Ah! Why am I still thinking about this?

Why is it that the thoughts of you are filling up my brain?

Even at the time, when I got a letter to write.

Ah! Could it be the reason is because,

I am thinking of you always?

Even when you aren't there beside me.

The thought of you kept on filling up the my head.

As easily as the oxygen being taken in.

Maybe I am even addicted to you?

x:x

So, should I write you a love letter?

A girly, flowery, scented love letter?

Even though both of us know that is not the type of girl I am.

But, is the type of girl I am, the type of girl that you like?

Sometimes I even wonder,

Have you ever see me as girl?

More rightly, have you ever see the girl deep inside of me?

The fluffy type of girl that had always been there

But, is always too scared to come out.

Too scared to step up for fear of breaking her own heart.

x:x

I want to write you a love letter.

A girly, flowery, frilly love letter.

That would convey my feeling.

The love I hold towards you.

Maybe I should do that.

If that's what it takes to you notice me more.

Love Story: Part 1

Watching the sunset inside my own room as I twirl the pen in my hand.

The blank paper stay lifelessly on top of the table.

Patiently waiting for the inks to pay a visit.

Waiting for me to start making up my mind and decide what I want to do.

And that is why I am thinking hard.

Thinking of what to do to pass my time.

Thinking of something to show my feelings right now.

The feeling that are being overwhelmed.

The feeling like I'm being filled with butterflies.

A weird feeling indeed.

x:x

A thought came to my mind as I stare out the window.

Watching birds flying in flocks.

Seemingly like white angels trying to spread happiness to the whole wide world.

Why won't they come to me?

And give me a piece of that small heaven they are carrying.

Something that would give me inspiration.

Something that would let me know, what I should do right now.

To show the feelings that are being kept inside of me.

The feeling that are even unknown to myself.

The feelings that are being kept a secret by my heart.

x:x

I suddenly stop thinking and started watching the butterflies playing with my head.

No doubt, this is when the idea embraced me

Exactly the moment my brain started taking in the images of the beautiful butterflies.

Something that is simple and straight-forward.

Something that would just flow fluently from my brain, connected with my heart.

Though this is the first time in my life that I am thinking of writing a letter.

A letter to someone that I do not know.

A letter that contain something that is a secret.

Even to me.

x:x

My courageous pen still stay at my hand.

Though it is a bit awkward to see it stay so rigidly,

In contrast with how actively it had always seems to be dancing before.

Now, it looks so serious at the palm of my hand,

still waiting for my brain to make up its mind, of what I should write.

Without any notice, suddenly my face blush.

Heat started to flows to the top of my head making me dizzy.

Surely this is only a trick of my heart?

Since all that came to my mind is you.

putik yang tertutup

Aku mahu berubah

Dari putik bunga yang tertutup

Kepada kembangan bunga yang mekar.

Aku tahu diri aku

Aku tahu batas aku 

Aku tahu salah aku

Tetapi

Mungkin ada masa aku alpa

Ada masa aku terlupa

Ada masa aku keliru dengan semua

Dan ada masa aku terjerat dengan ego aku sendiri.

Aku mahu berubah

Dari beluncas yang hina

Kepada rama-rama yang bersinar.

Tolong jangan diulang lemah aku semalam

Tolong jangan dihapuskan sayap kecil aku yang lemah

Tolong jangan ditolak aku ke tepi

Tolong aku untuk terbang

Tolong jaga kepompong aku

Tolong aku untuk aku berubah

Kerana sesungguhnya aku terlalu lemah

Untuk aku lakukan semua sendiri

Untuk aku lawan arus ego aku 

Untuk aku teguhkan usaha aku

Untuk aku keluar dari kepompong selesa aku.

Tolong.

Jangan tinggalkan aku.

Jangan diungkit pahit masa lampau aku.

Tolong.

takut

aku manusia

yang takut kepada manusia.

aku takut

dengan mata-mata yang lantang bersuara

dengan mulut-mulut yang tajam menikam.

aku tahu aku bukan yang terbaik.

aku tahu aku banyak salah dan dosa.

aku tahu aku tak sempurna.

aku tahu

aku manusia.

kerana itu

perlukah jelingan-jelingan hina itu?

perlukah bisikan-bisikan yang memekakkan itu?

perlukah lontaran-lontaran pandangan bisu itu?

aku takut.

aku takut apa lagi salah aku yang mampu mereka cungkilkan.

aku takut apa lagi laku aku yang mereka tidak puas.

aku takut bila aku ditolak kuat ke posisi ini

dan kemudian aku jadi takut

kepada mereka.

bukan aku ingin membenci mereka.

tidak.

aku tak benci.

aku takut.

aku takut dengan apa lagi yang mampu mereka buang kepada aku.

aku takut dengan apa yang mereka mahukan dari aku.

aku takut yang mereka perlukan aku

untuk menjadi mereka.

aku takut 

sebab

aku adalah aku

selamanya aku adalah aku

dan tak mungkin aku mampu 

untuk mencapai tahap yang mereka mahukan dari aku.

sesungguhnya aku tidak mahu itu

aku tak mahu mengubah diri aku

kepada sesuatu 

yang dengan mudah

menilai diri aku 

dengan mata kasar mereka.

aku tak mahu untuk menjadi mereka

yang megah dengan diri mereka 

bagaikan mereka tiada silapnya.

aku tak mahu untuk menjadi mereka

kerana 

aku takut kepada mereka.